The Great Matter

My great matter seems to be these days, the job search. The dreaded and soul crushing job search. The never ending, year-long, 100 jobs deep, job search.

Tuesday I thought I'd had it. I was done. This was ridiculous. I was fully prepared to take my two masters degrees and my double major and shove them, shove them hard down the throat of life (that sounds really melodramatic, but I wanted to say it anyway.) Thoughts raced through my head. We need to get out of the cottage. We need to move back into civilization. We are deteriorating mentally and physically. We have no health insurance. Student loans are due in three weeks. We need to get out of here. Thus I resolved myself to work a job, any job, that would move us into university city and stop our dependence on our families. I also cried a lot.

Then yesterday two little, tiny, almost invisible baby steps towards employment occurred. One of the hundred jobs offered me an interview. It's not the most perfect position, but it's in my field. And it's somewhere new and interesting. And it's a permanent job, giving us cause to relocate and get health insurance. So basically I get all ahead of myself planning what life could be if only this works out. Which is dangerous and I must stop it. It's basically the equivalent of feeding stale bread to starving people. They devour it and think it's the greatest thing ever.

Because the truth is it is very likely that I won't get this position. And we can't move. And I get more rejections. Yesterday alone I received four rejections. Today I opened my email at work to receive one more, first thing in the morning.

Staying positive and upbeat has usually been my thing in an almost inhuman way. Now it's proving difficult. Challenging. Next to freaking impossible.

So cross your fingers, and your toes, and whatever else you are able to cross, that my interview goes well tomorrow. Because I'm starving and would love some stale bread now please.