Serenity. For two weeks anyway. This is the amount of time I'm told I must wait further. Another two weeks of this holding pattern. Another two weeks without a full breath, time wasted, uncertainty.
I know I sound dire. I also know this outlet for my frustrations has become just that, no longer talking about the joys in my life, for which there are many, but instead focusing on this gnawing, this constant itch to be settled and the journey I've been on in my attempts to do so, mainly through acquiring a full time job. It's all coming to a boiling point for a number of reasons, reasons that make it all so much more dire. First, I no longer have health care and have been denied when trying to apply for individual health care due to a pre-existing condition. Apparently all the health reforms we've fought so hard to achieve do not go into effect for a few more years, during which time it seems, unless I am employed full time, I will not be able to get health coverage.
Additionally my student loans are due. On top of that The Professor seems to be having an even worse time than me in our eternal waiting. I was told,
by the same people I've been interviewing with since March, that I would know their decision Friday of last week. Friday before Good Friday. I heard nothing until Wednesday and was on edge with each passing day. I then learned that I was a finalist, something I had already figured on my own. I continued to wait throughout Easter weekend during which time I was told that I would be interviewed again, for the 7th time, through video conferencing. I figured surely this was the meeting where we'd discuss salary, start dates, and any final questions. But it was another interview. The same questions. Similar answers. And I was told they would decide in two weeks. Two. Friggin'. Weeks.
I used to get sick a lot as a child (let's just say I'm not the most 'robust' of humans) and my mom would tell me the serenity prayer, because I could not control that I was sick, but I could control how I dealt with being sick. Since then I have had this outlook on almost anything, always attempting to react best to bad situations. This resourcefulness has protected me and gotten me through some bad times. But now, in the 11th hour, I'm just not sure I can handle this any more. I've gone through worse things, it's true, but never for 12 straight months. An entire year of being told no. It's hard not to take it personal. It's hard to remember my serenity prayer.
God, Grant to me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
Last night I told The Professor that I no longer have any hope. That each time I get my hopes up I am told no, or to wait longer. Thus I think my hope has dried up and now I am jaded, constantly expecting the next no, and accepting the idea that I will never be back in my field and we may waste away depending on others to get by financially.
I know this is all depressing, and not what you might want to read on this Tuesday morning. But it's overcome my thoughts. It's become my entire world. I have so many other blogs in my mind that I'd like to share. About our trips. About Easter weekend. About the snakes and other critters which have come out of the woodwork at the cottage, terrifying this city girl. About cooking a whole chicken. About my first ham dinner and how well it went. But all these stories would seem fake to me if I didn't first express my current state of mind and being. At least for today anyway. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a more cheerful story for you. For now, I repeat:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
My dear sweet Curator (mind you there is no Defunct preceeding your title. we must think positive thoughts),
ReplyDeleteI am so very sad to read this post. Not because it is hopeless, but because you feel that way today :( What a challenge you have been handed this last year, and what a Polly Positive you have tried to be. Give yourself the chance to moan and groan. Because one must. It isn't as if you are being foolish! You are sad and frustrated and have no health insurance. And that is a litle scary. And you don't want to live with snakes and scary things that go bump in the night in the little cottage where you currently are. But you have done so, and that was integral to your future. Why? Who knows? But it was. I'm a wee bit older than you, and I smile as I look back over my life at the times when I lost hope. When I was sure that there was no future for me. When I struggled to decide what change I could make to get out of what seemed a hopeless situation.
I call it God. People call it what they may. All I know is that while I was bobbing around trying to figure out what to do, and smiling, and interviewing, and being told no, and crying, and cussing, and feeling hopeless....there was a plan. A plan I wasn't aware of (enter the hopelessness). And just as I was DONE. Just as I couldn't pay my bills, or ask for one more dime from my parents, something I never expected to happen did. And this has happened THREE times in my life. Yes THREE. Yuck!
I will say that the last time this occurred I went on a vacation and spent all of my money and had hope that it would all work out. And until I got myself together and actually put in some effort it did not. BUT..eventually it did.
You are changing the things that you can by continuing to try. And not giving up. Even if you give up for today (which is absolutely okay when you just need a hopeless/eat lots of cookies/drink many martinis day), you will not give up forever.
xoxo
T
I hope that the storm has passed and sunny days are your constant companion I too suffer from cronic health problems where there seems no be no end but peace comes in strange ways always look for it
ReplyDelete