Tuesday, April 3, 2012

An Open Letter to Office Food Pushers

Dear free-food-loving co-workers,

I am not a dog and do not need to be rewarded with food, constantly. Although from time to time it is nice to stumble upon cupcakes in the break room, it is my decision whether to engage in gorging myself of said free cupcakes. Thank you for having a bowl of candy on your desk and in the hallway, that's so kind of you. But why do you insist on grabbing a handful and walking around the office handing it out like it's your own personal Halloween every single day? Why do you bake cookies and then hand them out like you're in first grade and it's your birthday? Picking and choosing who is worthy?

Last week there was ice cream cake. Do you know how I knew there was ice cream cake? Because not one, not two, but three people passed my desk just to let me know. One brought me a piece without asking. Someone emailed the entire office, why? NO IDEA. And alas, one more CALLED me on my work phone to let me know, just in case I had not heard. Hi, yes I know there is ice cream cake in the break room.

We work with over 200 people. Almost every day is someone's birthday, someone's promotion party, someone's farewell. There will always be cake. Repeat after me: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE CAKE. Today is not special, just like yesterday, when you shoved two pieces of free carrot cake onto one tiny plate, was not special. Why are we all eating as if one day the birthday-cake-coffers will mysteriously stop flowing endless amounts of cash into cakes, cookies, and candy?

Why do you look slightly disappointed and/or sad when I kindly say no thank you? Is it because you're realizing this is the fourth straight day you yourself have enjoyed a giant slice of cake? It is because no one says no to the crazy candy lady who pushes her sweets with the fortitude of a friendly neighborhood drug dealer? There has to be a better way to socialize in the office.

Don't even get me started on bagels.

Yours sincerely,
The lady trying NOT to get 365-days-of-free-cake thighs

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